Missing the Unknown
by Gater101
Summary: OneShot. He was tired of it all, and he would give anything right now to find a way back home to Earth. He would walk away from this galaxy in an instant now. Tag fic with Wedjatqi. Fic tennis with Tielan.


Title: Destructed Home  
Summary: _He was tired of it all, and he would give anything right now to find a way back home to Earth. He would walk away from this galaxy in an instant now.  
_Characters: John, Elaris  
Pairing: John/Teyla  
Rating: K+

**Author's Notes**: I killed two birds with one stone with this.  
This is the response to Wedjatqi's fic _At the End of the Day_, part of the tag fic we're doing.  
This is also a response to the fic tennis I am playing with Tielan, in response to _Crossing Over_

John Sheppard slumped further down in his bed, his eyes lingering on the paragraph he'd been reading for three hours and he sighed. He couldn't concentrate. His mind kept drifting to the look on her face as the light flitted from her eyes. To the gentle touch of her mind against his and he closed his eyes against the stinging at the back of his eyes.

_He was tired of it all, and he would give anything right now to find a way back home to Earth. He would walk away from this galaxy in an instant now._

She wasn't supposed to die; not like that, not without seeing her son. When he'd found out what she'd done, he'd wanted to kill her. His anger had been insurmountable for days and it had taken Ronon to restrain him from leaving Atlantis and searching for her by himself. His anger had quickly mutated to dread when he'd heard she'd handed herself over to Michael and become his Queen. He didn't care that she thought it was for the best for her child; her letter had not placated him and he torn it to shreds and tossed it as far as he could into the raging waves below.

Now he wished he had held his anger in, that he could swim to the depths and retrieve her tear soaked letter and read it one more time. The words were burned onto his memory but he wanted to see her hand-writing just one more time.

How would he ever be able to tell her son what she'd done for him? John barely understood it, so he could not imagine a young child ever comprehending her decision.

He snapped the book shut, wincing at the loud clap it made in the quiet room. His head pounded and his eyes ached, the space between them throbbing with his heartbeat. He hadn't slept properly since that day on the hive ship when he'd stood over her dying body. It haunted his dreams and plagued his waking hours and he wanted nothing more than to claw the memory from his brain and feed it to the whales back on the old planet.

He sat up and looked over to the window but the darkness outside offered only blackness to his view. He sighed. He could use some Scotch, some football and maybe even a hot dog and a bar of Galaxy chocolate.

Or Teyla to be alive and human and on Atlantis, safe.

His door swept open and John turned to the dark shadow in the dim rectangle. Elaris stood in the doorway, his blanket tucked around his shoulders, shifting uncertainly on the threshold.

"Come in, buddy," John said quietly and he wandered slowly into the room, looking around nervously. "Did you have another bad dream?" He nodded. "Come here." John patted his knee and 

the young boy climbed up his leg, securing himself with an arm around John's neck. "Want to tell me what it was about?"

The boy shrugged and tucked his head into John's shoulder, his hand gripping the black tee shirt tightly. Teyla's son had had nightmares ever since he was a baby, his night's sleep interrupted by images that no child should have to endure and it was in those moments that John wished Michael was still alive so he could kill him all over again.

"What were you doing up, Uncle John?"

John looked down at the tousled dark hair and realised the boy would need a hair cut soon. He ran his hand through the longer than normal locks and sighed, leaning his cheek against the soft hair.

"Just thinking."

"About something sad?" The boy asked intuitively and John nodded, knowing it would do no good to lie. "You've been sad a lot just now."

John nodded and bit the inside of his lips. He couldn't help the swarm of pain that erupted in his chest and he tugged Elaris closer to him, breathing in the boy's earthy scent.

"I just miss someone."

The boy was quiet for a moment and John wished he could take his obvious pain away.

"Did you love that person?" John closed his eyes and took a quick, sharp breath. He nodded, not trusting his voice. "Uncle Ronon said it's okay to miss someone that you love." John nodded again and fought against the sob in his throat. He could see a small frown on Elaris' head but he couldn't ask the question he knew he should. "But... is it okay to miss someone you don't know?"

John frowned as he pressed his lips to the boy's hair.

"What do you mean?" He asked as he cleared his throat.

Elaris pulled back and looked up at John, his large brown orbs frighteningly familiar. John had to fight not to look away, despite the pain in his chest. Elaris tucked his blanket closer to him and John could see fresh tears glisten in the child's eyes.

"I miss my mommy," he said quietly, a fat tear sliding down his cheek as he blinked. "I didn't know her but I miss her!" He wailed as he collapsed against John's chest and John felt something tear apart inside of him. He felt like he had been torn in two, his heart ripped to shreds and he knew he could not contain the tears anymore.

"It's okay," he tried to console him but his own words were clogged and heavy, Elaris' heart-wrenching tears encouraging John's own.

"I want my mommy! I want my mommy!" The words were muffled in John's soaked chest and he held the boy closer to him, letting his own tears cascade down his cheeks as he tried to soothe him. He stroked his back and whispered into his ear, trying to disguise his own tears.

"I'm right here," he murmured over and over again but he knew it wasn't enough. "I'm right here..."

His cries eventually slowed and then stopped, the child sagging in John's arms and he knew he'd cried himself to sleep. John's chest hollowed at that and he looked up to the ceiling, his anger at Teyla returning.

"How could you do this to us?" He whispered, knowing the answer would not come. He waited for a moment, deflated and felt tears prick his eyes again. He sniffed and blinked them away. "Come on, buddy," he whispered to Elaris as he stood with the boy in his arms. "Let's get you to bed."

He pulled the covers back on his bed and lay the small boy down, despite his sleepy protests. He covered him before changing in to his sweats and slid in behind the boy, wrapping an arm carefully around his waist. Elaris turned and hugged John's side, a few whimpers escaping him as he moved. John sighed again, looking to the ceiling.

"How could you do this to us?" He asked again.

As the dark recesses of sleep pulled at him, he was sure he heard her whisper against his ear;

"_I had no choice."_


End file.
